I feel this "hole," in my life sometimes, especially since I've started college and seemingly left what I thought I was in pieces. In high school, life had meaning as I percieved through God, specifically through my experiences in youth group and hanging out with my youth minister. God, at times, was as real as the air I breathed and dictated most of my life through the Bible as I percieved it as a Christian. I learned how to play guitar and helped lead worship in my later years of high school for my youth group on Wednesday nights. I tried to control my hormones in accordance with the purity standards of the church and quotes from the Bible (which I failed utterly at but that's another post) and only dated "Christian" girls until I got to college. Then I discovered Higher Biblical Criticism (beware of biblical inerrancy, it doesn't hold up under critical reading and thinking), the demands of a functioning social life, and the other various aspects of my new life as an undergraduate student.
To say the least, I made it through the first semester with minimal "sin" and with what I though was a really great relationship with a girl I started dating a few months before I graduated from high school. However, when she broke up with me, my faith seemed to disappear and other things took it's place. I felt pain I have never felt before and a lot of things seemed meangingless to me. So, I took up smoking at the suggestion of a friend and began to party a lot more than I thought of before. Basically, I became the person I'd never thought I'd be.
However, now I feel a hole that I need to fill and I can't go back to a faith that is held within a creed and an inerrant Bible. I feel the need for meaning I had in high school and have established some of that but not completely. How is life meaningful on it's own? Is it found in serving others? I have a feeling that lies within the demotion of the ego but in the end, I have to report to myself and perhaps, something higher than me in the end of every day and perhaps at my life.
Any suggestions on where to feel the "hole?" I do agree that society should be secular (seperation of religion/church and state) but what about meaning as an individual?
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1 comment:
What a heartfelt post. I think we all have the hole, and attempt to fill it in different ways. I think Life is about learning what fits into the hole best for you, and it'll be a struggle that will always be there - though sometimes it won't be as hard.
Just don't go filling it all with Reese's pieces (err, you probably need to read my latest post to get that).
:)
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