The Doctrine of Doubt

When I was a kid, I was brought to church nearly every Sunday and had the doctrine of Heaven and Hell pounded into me to the point of exhaustion by a certain preacher. This church also seemed to find every fiery evangelist they could find to lead mini-versions of the great awakening (I'm not sure if some of these people were awakened to anything positive, rather they were just scared out of Hell or had the hell scared out of them, for the x29392 time) .

The other basic doctrine I was "taught" (I'm not sure if you would call it teaching) was the doctrine of redemption through the blood of Jesus, the Son of God. While I'm still some form of a Christian, all of this punishment, persuasion, blood, and pain did not go over well with me as a kid and still doesn't.

Now, I believe in a different "doctrine," if you will, The Doctrine of Doubt. Doubt allowed me to escape the clutches of a church bent on everlasting damnation or salvation with a permantely crucified and bleeding savior as a way to a better afterlife. Doubt has allowed me to carve my own spiritual niche out of the Bible and other religions to find something that I will live and not just cower in front of. God is not in the business of damning everyone who doesn't say the right prayer or in condemning those who struggle, God is in the struggle with us. If I had to make sense from a human perspective about the crucifixion of Jesus, then it is a display of what happens when one stands up to the domination system of any culture, one gets killed by the system. However, from a divine (yet anthropomorphic) perspective, I believe God suffered in the crucifixion as well. However, I believe the majority of atonement theories are sure moot and made to damn people into doing what the church wants them to do and not is what healthy for the individual in any way.

The truth may set you free indeed, but you can never know what the truth is until you doubt and discover the "said" truth for yourself.

-The Christian Agnostic

Love and T-Shirts

I was reading a book and listening to Pandora when a John Mayer song entitled, "City Love," came on and reminded me of a past dating relationship and of future relationships. The lyric that sparked the memory is this:

"She steals my clothes to wear to work, I know her hairs are on my shirts."

Now, my past girlfriend didn't steal my shirt but we exchanged two shirts when we first started dating that symbolized important parts of each of our lives. She gave me a shirt with "CC" for Cross-Country on the front and with "Fleetfeet" on the back. It was gray with blue lettering and came with a pair of running shoes she bought at Fleetfeet because she was a runner in high school and continued to run for fun and fitness.

I gave her a gray shirt with FSU in red lettering on the front. The story behind that was several guys in my youth group in high school and my youth minister bought cheap gray t-shirts with Harvard on them and I grabbed the last small one. They all looked the same except my shirt had FSU on the front and so our attempt to promote Harvard's sports teams as a joke in the mall kinda failed because they would yell "Go Harvard" and well, I had a FSU shirt on in the midst of the Harvard shirts. So, a shirt with an inside story about the guys in my youth group who were very important to me in high school, especially the friendship I had with my youth minister.

When we broke up in my 2nd semester of college, we never saw each other again and I have lost her CC shirt. However, for ten months we shared those shirts and much, much more for a mostly happy time. She contributed to my life and I did to hers until we started heading down different paths and could no longer maintain the relationship.

In reflection, it was a big turning point in my life and John Mayer's song reminded me of the good times in that relationship. So, here's to the future I have with the girl who I can connect with and share on that deep level again. Life is too short to not love :)

A Musing about God and Society As It Relates to Me

Karen Armstrong writes in her book "The Battle For God" that "The French existentialist Jean-Paul Satre (1905-80) called it the the God-shaped hole in human consciousness, where the divine had always been but had disappeared, leaving an emptiness behind" in relate to the secularism of modern society.

I feel this "hole," in my life sometimes, especially since I've started college and seemingly left what I thought I was in pieces. In high school, life had meaning as I percieved through God, specifically through my experiences in youth group and hanging out with my youth minister. God, at times, was as real as the air I breathed and dictated most of my life through the Bible as I percieved it as a Christian. I learned how to play guitar and helped lead worship in my later years of high school for my youth group on Wednesday nights. I tried to control my hormones in accordance with the purity standards of the church and quotes from the Bible (which I failed utterly at but that's another post) and only dated "Christian" girls until I got to college. Then I discovered Higher Biblical Criticism (beware of biblical inerrancy, it doesn't hold up under critical reading and thinking), the demands of a functioning social life, and the other various aspects of my new life as an undergraduate student.

To say the least, I made it through the first semester with minimal "sin" and with what I though was a really great relationship with a girl I started dating a few months before I graduated from high school. However, when she broke up with me, my faith seemed to disappear and other things took it's place. I felt pain I have never felt before and a lot of things seemed meangingless to me. So, I took up smoking at the suggestion of a friend and began to party a lot more than I thought of before. Basically, I became the person I'd never thought I'd be.

However, now I feel a hole that I need to fill and I can't go back to a faith that is held within a creed and an inerrant Bible. I feel the need for meaning I had in high school and have established some of that but not completely. How is life meaningful on it's own? Is it found in serving others? I have a feeling that lies within the demotion of the ego but in the end, I have to report to myself and perhaps, something higher than me in the end of every day and perhaps at my life.

Any suggestions on where to feel the "hole?" I do agree that society should be secular (seperation of religion/church and state) but what about meaning as an individual?

Procrasination and a Turkey Break...

So, it's about 5 am in the morning and I'm still awake on my break from MHC made possible by a holiday that is celebrating by gathering with one's family and eating lots of food, namely turkey (or ham, like my family does) and other festive holiday foods.

Speaking of festive foods and drinks, Samuel Adam's Winter Ale is on my list to try this winter season, along with their brew entitled, Octoberfest (SP? It may be spelled with a K). Both are seasonal brews that are only produced in the late fall/winter of every year, from what I understand. Ah, but Christmas is coming fast and so is the end of the semester!

The end of the semester this time around is brutal. I'm already late on several assignments and the like, it seems like a lot to catch up but I think I can do it. Who knew 19 credit hours, work study, and the world premiere of a musical could be so much work? I honestly had no idea about the level of commitment and energy all of these things have required of me and that's not all of my activities...just the ones that tend to eat up all of my energy.

Anyways, I need to get back to finishing my final exam/essay for Social Psychology, which I'm pretty sure is late but not totally sure. I need to be more organized, haha.

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving and if you can, come see the musical! Click here for more info on the musical!